


These Are The Voyages Of Dunder-Enterprise

by spikeface



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-25
Updated: 2013-02-25
Packaged: 2017-12-03 13:55:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/698981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spikeface/pseuds/spikeface
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Office AU.  Spock and Jim go on a mission to Narada, Pennsylvania.  Back at the office Hikaru and Pavel attempt to discover what Jim is being so secretive about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Are The Voyages Of Dunder-Enterprise

**Author's Note:**

> One of the few fics I wrote for ST that a) shipped Sulu/Chekov and b) wasn't an angst laden Bones-hurting free for all. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Jim’s face is slightly blurred by the blinds of his office, but it doesn’t soften his glare. His blue eyes bore into the person sitting across from him. “This is unacceptable. I don’t accept it. Because it is not acceptable.”

“Why?” Only the woman’s green shoulder and a few locks of her curly red hair are visible. She sounds genuinely confused.

“Because it is not appropriate social behavior for the work office environment space.”

“But that’s not what you said when we—”

“You’re _customer_ service, Gaila. You should be servicing customers.”

“Um.” The red curls wave as Gaila shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s what it means.”

“I am the _regional manager_ of this company. Don’t you think I know what I’m talking about?”

An awkward silence follows.

888888

“Jim?” Gaila cocks her head. “Jim is like the Michael Jackson of paper. Not ‘cause he’s famous or anything. But, like, when Michael died I cried for three weeks and had to go therapy shopping four times. Speaking of, isn’t this lip gloss awesome? It’s Nacelles by Jessica Simpson. Anyway, now that Michael’s dead he’s all awesome, but when he was alive? Nobody wanted that.” She pauses, and then looks at you with wide eyes. “Wow, that was really deep. I should totally tweet it.”

888888

“I suppose we’ll start with the resident hottie,” Jim says, waving you over to a man bent over his crossword puzzle and sipping a mint julep. “This is Leonard McCoy. I call him Bones, like, ‘I want to jump your bones.’”

“I’m a salesman, not a boytoy,” Leonard says without looking up.

“Bones is from the South. He’s a real Southern gentle—”

“Bullshit.”

“Bones and I have been friends for years. And this,” he says, picking up a picture of a smiling girl in a school uniform. “Is his daughter Joanna. Isn’t she hot? She must be what, like, eighteen now?”

“Twelve,” Leonard snarls as he snatches the picture back. “And if I catch you looking at her I will castrate you.”

Kirk laughs, grabbing Leonard’s shoulder. “Isn’t he great, folks? He’s like a brother to me.”

888888

“Do I consider Jim family?” Leonard clears his throat. “Well, he gave me this job when I needed it. I’m actually a doctor, not a salesman. But I got divorced recently and the ex took the practice. I drank a little. Some. Jim picked me up, got me on my feet again. So, yeah, I consider Jim family.” Leonard’s eyes narrow. “He’s like an annoying, inappropriate, goddamn touchy feely in-law who crashes on your couch and never leaves.”

888888

“And here,” says Jim, over in the accounting corner, “We have my lovely accounting department, headed by the sassy and fun-loving Nyota.”

She doesn’t look up from her paper work. “Uhura. First names are not appropriate for the office.”

“We’re very pleased to have her in our great nation,” Jim says, looking at her indulgently. “She is from the country of Africa.”

“Africa is not a—” Uhura visibly checks herself. “Is there anything you need, _Captain?_ ” 

Jim beams and leans towards you confidentially. “Everyone here calls me ‘Captain.’ Why? I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m so authoritative, even though I’m their best friend? Maybe because they think I’d look good in the uniform?” He waggles his eyebrows at Uhura. “Maybe because they all want a little ‘captain’ in them?” 

88888

“We call him that because he ordered us to,” Uhura says to you, holding up a slip of paper. Her voice drips with disdain. “There was a _memo_.”

88888

“And this is the rest of my wonderful sales team,” Jim says. He goes to one of the desks and stands behind the salesman’s chair. “This is Hikaru, coolest guy in the office. My buddy.”

Hikaru shakes his head minutely at you.

“And this is Spock,” Jim says, gesturing at a man in a blue turtleneck and a tie. “He’s –”

“Live long and prosper, people of television,” Spock says to you, rising from his seat and giving the Vulcan salute.

“No, don’t look at them,” Jim says under his breath, sounding aggravated.

“But you yourself were just –”

“When I do it it’s cool. Just sit down.”

“That is illogical, captain,” Spock says, but resumes his seat.

“Right.” Jim’s smile is back as he waves expansively at the sales team. “This place is like my ship. Like a big, cool ship that travels the world. In space. Like a space paper ship. Boldly selling paper no man has sold before.” Jim pauses. “Or woman.” He looks at Hikaru. “Or Japanese.”

Hikaru looks at you with a carefully blank expression.

Jim spreads his hands, miming a banner. “The Starship Dunder-Enterprise. No, the Starship Dunder. The Starship… anyway, I’m the captain.”

“And I am the assistant captain,” Spock adds.

“Assistant to the captain,” Hikaru corrects.

“Same thing.”

“The assistant captain is the first mate. Assistant to the captain is the cabin boy.”

“A spurious analogy. A cabin boy was almost always a youth of fourteen to sixteen years of age who was charged mainly with cooking and sexual service to—” 

“Whoa, I don’t want to hear about what you and Jim do in his office,” Hikaru says.

Spock’s eyebrow rises. “Hikaru Sulu, you are _completely illogical_.”

888888

“Spock’s favorite insult is ‘illogical,’” Hikaru says to you cheerfully. “He doesn’t understand _just_ how easy that makes it to mess with him.”

888888

Jim leads you over to the front desk, where the receptionist is not quite trying to hide behind his phone. “And here we have Pavel, our lovely mail order sex slave.” Jim laughs. “I’m kidding. He’s the receptionist. Not mail order. He’s from the, uh, Ukrainia, I believe.”

“I am from Russia.” 

Jim leans forward and says sotto voce: “Ukrainia is in Russia. Learn your own culture.”

“Ukraine vaz once a part of ze Soviet Union, vich vaz terminated in nineteen ninety two, and now it iz a country.”

Jim turns to you. “Isn’t the accent hot? I can’t wait until he’s not underage any more.”

“Vat?”

Jim turns back to him. “Do I have any messages?”

“Yes, keptin. Christopher Pike from corporate vants to talk to you.”

“Great. Now you just sit here and look sexy.”

Pavel looks tired. “I ken do zat.”

888888

“No, I’m not actually underage,” Pavel says to you, accent drastically subdued. “I just told him that because of the blow up doll thing. And I was born in Russia, but I grew up in Scranton. Jim just made it clear in the interview that he’s a really big Rocky and Bullwinkle fan, so...” Pavel shrugs. “It’s just to pay for school. I only have to work here five years.” Pavel nods and looks away for a moment. “Just a quick one thousand, eight hundred and twenty six point two one zero nine nine days.”

888888

“Why do I work here?” Hikaru shifts a little. “I need the money for flight school, so you know. It’s pretty boring, but I came here and really liked, uh, the place. Just, y’know… I figure five years is enough. Five seems, uh, good. I just answer the phones and talk about paper quality and, uh…” Hikaru looks sheepish. “You know, it’s not even worth talking about, it’s that boring.”

888888

Jim presses the button to put the phone on speaker. “Christopher Pike! The boss man. The head honcho.”

“Hi, Jim.”

“The big cheese. The top dog. The big enchilada.”

“Jim.”

“The hotshot. The original gangsta. The head honcho.”

“You said that one already.”

Jim leans back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head. “So what can I do for you, Chris?”

“Well, I got a call from the Romulans today, and I just wanted to make a few things clear.”

Jim sits back up abruptly. “I didn’t do it. It wasn’t me.”

888888

“I hired Jim because his father was a huge asset to the company,” Christopher Pike says, lounging in his New York office with a faraway look in his eyes. “Brilliant salesman.” He smiles faintly. “He once nailed an eight hundred _million_ dollar deal in twelve minutes. Great man. Truly great.”

After a moment Christopher Pike clears his throat and looks at you once more. “Jim’s branch is actually the most productive in the company. I… still don’t know how that is.”

888888

“Apparently one of your salespeople, a Mr. Spock, did something so insulting to the Romulans that they’re considering taking their business elsewhere. Do you know what that would be?”

“No. But I will make sure that the Romulans never try to leave this business again. It was so kind of you to ask for my help personally.” Jim smirks at you like you’re sharing a joke.

“Actually, Jim, I think corporate should handle this.”

“But they’re our biggest client.”

“Exactly. Y’know, if you really wanted to help me out, you could fire Spock.”

Jim looks rattled at that, but rallies quickly. “Okay, you’re not calling to _ask_ for my help, so… you’re going to dare me?”

“No. No, I am not.”

“How about a double dare. Do you double dare me?” Jim is hunched over the phone now, biting his lip with excitement.

There’s a sigh from the other end of the line. “No, Jim, I don’t.”

“Are you saying you’re going to _double dog_ dare me to help you out?”

The line goes dead.

888888

“The rules of dare are very simple,” Jim says to you, leaning back in his chair and looking smug. “A dare is just a dare, but a double dare is getting up there, and a double dog dare… It’s like the weapons of mass destruction of dares. Refusing a double dog dare is just… It’s not done. It’s like kicking a puppy. It’s like when a puppy pees on the rug and you want to kick it. Because it’s your friend’s rug and you know he’s going to be really pissy about it so you’re really mad. And then your friend yells a lot when he sees it because you tried to clean it but you accidentally bleached it and you had to buy him a new carpet. 

“But you can’t kick the puppy,” Jim says after a pause, and then adds gravely, “Because it would be like kicking him with weapons of mass destruction.”

888888

Jim stands outside his office and announces: “So Spock and me are heading out to Narada, because _somebody_ pissed off the Romulans. I won’t name names. It was Spock. Oh, and Bones is coming too.”

“No, I’m not,” Leonard says calmly.

“Aw, come on, Bones, please! It’ll just be the three of us, on the road, hanging out, blasting some jams. On a mission.”

“Pass.”

“I am prepared to depart, Captain,” Spock says, as he puts papers in his briefcase and adjusts his tie.

“ _Fine_. I didn’t want Bones to come anyway.”

Jim slams the door as he leaves, which Spock promptly reopens and shuts behind him quietly.

888888

“Dunder-Enterprise, this is Pavel.” Pavel looks up as Hikaru comes to stand by the reception area. “Please hold.” He puts the phone down. “What’s up?”

“Do you know what Jim was talking to Gaila about?”

“I try to know Jim’s business as little as possible.”

“Yeah, but how often is that an option?”

“True.” Pavel is quiet, as if recalling past trauma. Suddenly his eyes are wide and worried. “Hikaru. Jim is being discreet.”

“And that,” Hikaru says, taking a jelly bean from the counter and popping it into his mouth, “Is what I’ll be doing today. Care to join me?”

“I’m not sure. There are so many calls.” He gestures to the silent phone. 

Hikaru nods. “Pity they haven’t invented something to take a message when you’re not there.”

They smile at each other.

888888

“I was thinking, Spock,” Jim says as he drives. “Just for fun. Do you think anyone in the office is… y’know, that way?”

“To what way are you referring, captain?”

“Y’know, gay.”

“I believe all of our coworkers are equally joyous, captain, or they ought to be. Do you believe one of them to be deficiently happy, because I could perform a nerve pinch on –”

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. Gay like gay gay. Kissing men gay. All that,” Jim gestures emphatically with one hand, “gay stuff.” 

“Ah, you are referring to a homosexual.” Spock considers this for a moment, his brows ever so slightly knit together. “Chekov.”

“Pavel? Really? Not, like, I dunno, Bones, for instance?”

“Never. McCoy would look terrible in women’s clothing.”

“I don’t kn– wait, what?”

“I could endeavor to search his underwear drawers. If he keeps women’s clothing he would probably keep it there.”

“It’s just boxers and mismatched socks.” Jim shakes himself. “I mean no. That’s a stupid idea. Forget I said anything.”

“Unlikely, captain, as my memory retains approximately ninety three point two percent of the information I –”

“Just shut up, Spock.”

888888

“Hikaru and I have created a plan of action,” Pavel says to you with an earnest air as he walks through the office. “Step one: in order to evaluate the crisis situation, we must speak to the closest and most reliable resource of information. No matter who that is.” He stops in front of the break room and stares at the door. “Or how uncomfortable they make you.” He pushes the door open resolutely. “Hi, Gaila.”

Gaila turns and lights up at the sight of Pavel. “Oh my god, it’s my favorite Russian teddy bear!” She grabs him in a fierce hug and giggles in his ear. “How are you? Where have you been? I feel like we never talk.”

Pavel musters a smile. “I’m good. How have you been? Tell me – tell me everything.”

Gaila clasps her hands together and squeals, practically bouncing, and Pavel flashes you the wide, despairing look of a deer in headlights. 

888888

“Do I feel bad about sending Pavel to talk to Gaila?” Hikaru turns and stares through the blinds at the break room, where Gaila is still gesturing animatedly and Pavel is nodding, clutching his mug in front of him. “Well, he did lose fair and square.” Hikaru turns back to you and looks pleased with himself. “All that math genius and he still can’t win a game of rock, paper, scissors.”

888888

“So Christopher Pike practically double dog dared me to come help him,” Jim explains as he pulls the car into a parking spot. “Which means that we’re going to have to do this my way. Go in hot. And you know what they say.” He turns to you. “When the going gets tough, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

“Actually, Captain,” Spock informs him as they get out of the car and head for the bar next to it, “There is only one logical way to remove a feline epidermis. To begin, one must make an incision from the animal’s tailbone to its –”

“Ew, Spock, that’s so—it’s just a phrase, why would you even—aren’t you a vegetarian?”

“I do not see how the two concepts are related.”

“Just let me do the talking,” Jim says as they reach the door, where an intimidating man is looming. “Hey dog,” Jim says with a wave as he brushes by. The man nods at him, but stops Spock with a hand on his chest when he tries to follow Jim with a similar, “Greetings, canine.”

“What did you call me?” the man demands.

“He’s with me,” says Jim.

The man scowls, but lets Spock by. Then he turns to you. “No cameras.”

Over the bouncer’s shoulder you can see Jim and Spock disappear into the back of the bar. Moments later you can hear a crash, followed by a good deal of cursing. Spock and Jim come running out of the bar. The bouncer moves away from you to head them off, but Spock is quicker, reaching to his shoulder and pinching. The man collapses.

“Go, go, go!” Jim yells as he runs past you, clutching something hidden under his blazer.

Back in the car Jim and Spock drive off quickly. As they pull away Jim giggles. “Holy shit, Spock! You were fucking awesome! You have to teach me that pinch thing.” He grins at you. “Three pinches in, like, two seconds!” He holds up two fingers for emphasis.

“Twelve seconds, Captain.” Spock looks far from amused. “And if I had known the purpose of that endeavor, I would have advised against it.”

“That’s what she said!”

Spock looks around the car as if searching for something. “To what female are you referring?”

Jim just laughs.

888888

“She knows nothing,” Pavel says glumly in the break room. He’s sitting at the table, head down, still clutching his mug while Hikaru leans against the counter. “So much nothing.”

Hikaru laughs quietly and sits next to him. “Okay then, plan B. Maybe they were both talking about a third party. Who else do we know who knows everyone else’s business?”

They each stare into the distance, lost in thought. Suddenly they both look up at each other. “Shot not!” Pavel gets out before Hikaru can speak.

“What? No, not fair. She hates me! I can’t do it!”

“I’m sorry,” says Pavel, his face a mockery of contriteness. “But once ‘shot not’ is invoked it cannot be denied.”

Hikaru shakes his head at him with affected disappointment as he stands up. “I won’t forget this, Chekov.”

888888

Pavel gives you a small, smug smile. “All those fencing reflexes and he’s still slower than my babushka.”

888888

Jim parks in front of the Romulan headquarters, a looming art deco skyscraper. “Okay,” Jim says as he gets out, followed by Spock. “This is it, Spock.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Are you ready?” Jim asks, staring down the building as he walks toward it, still clutching something under his blazer.

“Of course, Captain.”

“Good. Just remember: what do I always say?”

“If Yogi Berra can play for two teams why can’t I?” Spock recites dutifully.

“No – what? I never said that!”

“You have repeated it seven times on various occasions, the last being the Christmas party and directed at Dr. McCoy–” 

“I’m not gay!” Jim shouts as he pushes the door open. The receptionist, who had started to greet them, falls silent.

“What I always say,” Jim continues more calmly as they get into the elevator, “Is that there’s no such thing as a no-win situation.”

“Noted, Captain.” Spock’s bland expression manages to convey all the exasperation of an eye roll.

They get out of the elevator and Jim hurries down the hallway before barging into the office whose plaque reads: “Norbert Nero, President.” 

The president is a bald man with cryptic tattoos winding all over his face. He’s talking on the phone when they come in, but he stops as he catches sight of Jim and Spock. He takes in Jim concealing something under his blazer and his eyes narrow. He shifts minutely, reaching for something under his desk, and Spock tenses.

Jim looks completely relaxed. “So, Nero. How’s it hanging?”

“Who the fuck are you?”

Jim pulls his hand out of his blazer, revealing a bottle of liquid blue as his eyes. “We’re your new BFF.”

888888

“Okay then,” Hikaru says, half to you and half to himself. “This is it.”

He approaches Uhura head down and quietly, his fingers flitting against his pant leg. Uhura, wrapped up in her computer, doesn’t seem to notice him, even when he comes to stand behind her. As he approaches the article on her computer becomes clear: “From Pon Farr to Pearl Necklaces: 50 Ways a Cosmo Girl Can Make Her Man Go Green With Desire.”

“Oh my god,” Hikaru blurts out, turning red as his eyebrows shoot up and his eyes widen.

Uhura jumps, closes the window and whips around. “What?”

“Uh.” Hikaru looks at you helplessly.

Uhura freezes momentarily as she catches sight of you, but when she turns back to Hikaru she’s all but frothing. “ _Uh?_ You came all the way over here to bother me with ‘uh?’ Some of us are _busy_ here, Mr. Sulu. Doing _work_.”

“Work! Right. Doing now. Got to. Do. Gotta go do a thing. Over there.” Hikaru backs away stuttering as Uhura watches.

Across the division, a heavyset man stares at Uhura. “What’s going on?”

“Not now, Cupcake,” says Uhura absently, like she says it all the time. 

888888

Pavel and Hikaru sit next to each other, staring blankly at anywhere but you.

Pavel looks down, and Hikaru rubs at his nose. 

The silence stretches on.

Hikaru is the one to break it: “It’s like imagining your parents having sex.”

“And now I’m doing that too. Thank you.”

“Any time.”

888888

“Do I want to _talk_ about it?” Uhura asks you, biting off each word. “I’m in accounting, not _communications_.”

888888

“And so he said to me, ‘Premium beige cardstock at this price? That’s madness!’ And I was like, ‘No, it’s Sparta!’”

Nero and Jim laugh uproariously, clinking glasses only half full of Romulan ale. Spock, on the other hand, only lifts his head slightly, sitting ramrod straight as if posture will help him rise above all this. “An irrelevant analogy, Captain, as the ancient Greek society known as Sparta –”

“Oh, Spock, just go get me my briefcase from the car, will you?”

Spock looks like there are a lot of things he’d like to do instead, mostly of a violent nature, but he rises and quietly excuses himself.

Nero watches him go and shakes his head. “So he’s really like that all the time?”

“I know, right? Great salesman, shitty conversationalist.” Jim leans forward, grinning conspiratorially. “You know he once started a fistfight over a ‘your mama’ joke?”

“No shit?” Nero takes a sip of his ale.

“No shit. But he’s a good guy, really. Never met a man who loved paper so much. It’s just his people skills that are shitastic.”

“He made a rather disparaging comment about my wife,” Nero admits, dangerously close to sulking.

Jim leans back and thumps the table. “You know, I thought that might be it. Christopher Pike didn’t tell me the details, but as soon as I saw you I thought, ‘This guy, this guy protects what’s his.’”

“Damn right.” Nero offers a slightly swaying toast.

Jim clinks his glass with Nero’s. “But I also figure, this guy’s the president, right? Seriously hot shit. Not the petty kind of guy who blows off his major paper supplier over an insult from a _salesman._ ”

Nero, about to down the last of his ale, pauses. He studies Jim carefully.

“So I’m wondering, what’s this all about? But then I hear that Christopher Pike is just making a phone call. And that, that pisses me off. A guy has his family insulted by some know it all, a president no less, and he just gets some phone call?”

“Right!” Nero looks like he’s going to go on, but Jim cuts him off: “Right. And I’m like, that’s just not right. A guy like you deserves more than that. It’s a personal insult, it deserves a personal touch, am I right?”

“That’s exactly what I thought. Personal touch. It’s personal.” His emphasis on “personal” borders on maniacal.

“So I take it on myself. Because I know you’re not the kind of guy who would go home crying if some little pissant insults him. I mean, you saw Spock; he’s as harmless as those math dipshits you used to beat up in high school. But I also know that you’re a man who demands respect, and you can’t show respect with a phone call.”

“Right.” Nero pounds the table. “That’s exactly right. Fuck, I loved showing those dweebs who was boss.”

“I’ll bet you did,” Jim mutters behind his cup as he drinks the last of his ale.

Spock arrives just then, holding out Jim’s briefcase like an offering. Jim takes it, examines it, and then frowns at Spock. “Where’s my travel mug?”

“Captain?”

“I specifically asked you to get my briefcase and my travel mug. Where is it?”

“Captain, I’m quite sure –” He stops at Jim’s obvious wink, which is angled away from Nero. “Ah. I will be sure to get it, Captain.” His footsteps clatter down the hall.

“Just like to mess with him,” Jim says as he stands, slightly wobbly. “Keeps him on his toes.”

“You show ‘em.” Nero is already pouring himself another glass of the ale. “Bye, Jim.”

“Bye, Norbert.”

888888

“Maybe we should just stop,” Pavel says, bent over his mug dejectedly in the break room.

“No quitter talk,” Hikaru replies, but without much enthusiasm. “There’s got to be someone else we can ask.”

“Why are we even doing this? Talking to Gaila got us nowhere, and she was the one involved. She didn’t know anything.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything. She didn’t know about… She Who Must Not Be Named either.”

“Really, Hikaru? Harry Potter?”

“Hey, you got the reference. Anyway, we’ve come too far to give up now.”

Pavel is quiet for a moment, staring into his mug like it’s going to give him answers. “One more try,” he says finally.

“It’ll be five by then, anyway. Now, is there anyone else we know who knows everything about everybody?”

This time they call “shot not” simultaneously.

They scowl at each other.

“We’ll just have to do it together,” Pavel decides. Hikaru follows him into the office.

“Has anyone here seen Scotty?” Pavel asks the sales team.

Leonard looks up. “Who?”

Hikaru gestures vaguely towards the corner of the office. “You know, the guy who sits over there. He does… uh, something.”

Leonard shrugs and goes back to his crossword. “Nope.”

They leave the office together, not catching the bemused look Leonard gives them, and head down the hallway towards the warehouse. As they pass the supplies closet, someone from within shouts Scottishly, “Oh, fuck!”

“Probably stealing office supplies again,” Hikaru says as he opens it.

At the back of the closet a red shirted man with his pants and underwear around his ankles is tangled up in startlingly green limbs. Neither party seems to have noticed the intrusion.

Hikaru closes the door.

He and Pavel return to the office. 

They head straight for the bathroom, closing the door firmly but quietly in front of you. 

From beyond it comes the muted squeal: “Oh, fuck!”

888888

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Jim was right. No one else should know,” Pavel says to you. He turns and peers furtively through the blinds at the rest of the office, but none of them seem disturbed.

“I wish I didn’t know,” grumbles Hikaru next to him, his hands pressed over his eyes. “I think it’s seared into my retinas. How are we going to keep this under wraps?” 

“I’m pretty okay with never mentioning that again.”

“But _how_?” Hikaru drops his hands, looking flushed and tormented.

“Well, Hikaru, there are these wonderful things called ‘secrets—’”

Hikaru laughs, the tension going out of him. He shakes his head. “A Russian inwention, I bet.”

“Leetle old lady in Leningrad,” Pavel adds in your direction, clearly fighting a smile.

888888

“Captain Kirk to Doctor McCoy.”

Leonard mutters indecipherably as he puts down his crossword and picks up a walkie-talkie. “Dammit, Jim, I’m busy.”

“I think I’m dying. Kirk over.”

Hikaru immediately seems much less interested in his sales call.

Leonard rolls his eyes. “Where does it hurt?”

“My head hurts. A lot. I think I’m going to have a stroke. Kirk over.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Leonard mutters before replying, “And what _exactly_ led you to this diagnosis?”

“My head hurts. Weren’t you listening? Kirk over.”

“You’re not going to have a stroke, Jim.”

“Yes I aaaam. Come on, Bones, isn’t there some Southern medicine you can give me? Like… something fried? Maybe an old Confederate cure? Kirk over.”

Leonard looks at the walkie-talkie like he’s seriously thinking of throwing it out the window, but then he smiles. It’s not a particularly kind smile. “Y’know, now that I think about it,” he says, stretching the syllables out into a parody of a drawl. “There’s a very simple cure for that that we use all the time in the South. Where does it hurt the most?”

“Right behind my eyes. Kirk over.”

“Okay then, I want you to flick that spot really hard.”

Hikaru puts down his phone and turns to watch Leonard openly.

“How will that help? Kirk over.”

“It – uh – dislodges the bug in your brain that’s eating your pain receptors.”

“Okay… ow, fuck! Bones!”

888888

“I’m a doctor,” Leonard snarls at you, “not a goddamn nanny.”

888888

“Wow, I never knew Leonard was such a bitch,” Hikaru says with a mix of wonder and respect.

888888

Jim and Spock have barely shut the door to the office when Pavel pipes up: “You hawe a call from Corporate, keptin.”

The words are obviously addressed to Jim, but Pavel is staring unblinkingly at Spock.

Inside his office Christopher Pike is waiting on line two. “Jim? What the hell did you do?”

Jim’s grin, which had reached face-breaking proportions, falters. “Hey, man, you double dog dared me. I can’t be held responsible.”

“You interrupted a corporate conference call to have a completely unauthorized – and extremely unprofessional, I might add – conversation with our client. The man sounded drunk as a skunk when he called me.”

“Hey, you rhymed!” Jim claps his hands gleefully, like a child or a drunk man.

“Are you actually telling me you got drunk with him?”

Jim abruptly stops clapping. “Uh. No.”

“Jim. Nero just doubled his order.”

“Wait… so, you’re not mad?”

“No, Jim.” Christopher Pike’s voice is ponderous, the sound of a man who can’t believe what he’s saying. “I’m actually… relieved.”

“Oh, well.” Jim processes for a minute before adding: “Spock helped a lot.”

888888

“So Spock got to keep his job. And you know,” Jim says reflectively, leaning back and resting his finger on his chin. “I think I understand why everyone here feels the need to call me ‘Captain.’ It’s because they know, really know, that I get how business is done. And it’s pretty simple, really. It’s not about making the sales or firing people. It’s about teamwork. And friendship. And lots of booze.”

888888

“So, basically,” Hikaru begins to count off on his fingers, “We found out that _Jim_ can save the day. And that he can actually have a sense of propriety. And that Scotty is getting laid – still don’t know what he does here, but I have seen his full moon. Yeah… And that Uhura acts like that even when she’s getting laid regularly. Trying not to despair about it. 

“Oh,” he adds, “And Pavel squeals like a girl.”

888888

Pavel is clearing things up on his desk. Hikaru stands nearby, taking his coat from the rack.

“So, uh,” Hikaru begins, shifting his weight from side to side. “I really need a beer or twelve. However many it takes to erase certain parts of today.”

“Only twelve? Lightweight.”

“Hey.” Hikaru shoves him playfully. He hands him his coat and shoves his hands in his pockets, staring at the carpet. “So, you want to come with?”

“Yes!” Pavel squeaks. He clears his throat, and then continues more normally: “I mean, sure. If you want.”

“Cool.” Hikaru’s grin is wide and nearly inane. “That’s cool.”

888888

“Pearl necklaces?” The tips of Spock’s ears flush green. “I have no comment on the matter.”


End file.
